How To Approach Realtionships Like a Job Interview.

I’m back in therapy. After 4 years of doing relatively well, I felt I had come to a point where I needed to explore some patterns that keep creeping up in my life. Patterns are telling. Pay attention to them. They are desperately trying to tell you something about yourself.

My therapist gave me an assignment. I can’t believe I have never done this before. A list of non-negotiable and negotiable characteristics I would like to see in a partner. This was to be completely separate from actual relationships, past or present. Purely focused on me. Relationships are a very important aspect of one’s life. So why is it that we typically do not go about them in a systematic way? The same way we go about finding a job or buying a house or grocery shopping? We often base relationships on how they FEEL in the beginning, and go with the flow without thinking about things too much.

I have to confess. I have a tendency to be impulsive. I have done things in the past purely based on how they feel. I also thought I wasn’t very clear about what I wanted since I change my mind a lot but as I set down for this assignment things were clearer to me than they have ever been. Truthfully, these thoughts have been dominating my wants and needs historically. I just never wrote them down. Of course, they are subject to change. We are subject to change. Relationships also change with time. But I had to focus on the here-and-now.

Here’s my list.

Not negotiable                                                                                   

Independent (work/career)

Emotionally independent/not needy

Safe (emotionally – I can be myself)


Experience seeker/traveler


Secure/healthy self-esteem

Good sense of humor





Non-traditional (beliefs)/quirky

A good sense of style

Good cook

Into movies/music/art/photography (similar interests)



Good listener

I don’t think my list is unreasonable. Also because I am able to offer pretty much everything I’m asking for.

So whether you’re in a relationship or not, what’s your list?

2 thoughts on “How To Approach Realtionships Like a Job Interview.

  1. Here are is my list of qualities that are not negotiable:
    1. Loyal
    2. Emotionally available (has self awareness and can talk about his emotions when needed)
    3. Considerate of others
    4. Good work ethic
    5. Able to forgive (doesn’t hold grudges)
    6. Helpful
    7. Manages money well
    8. Able to relax and have fun

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